He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
