i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
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I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
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Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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