I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
