I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
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Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
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My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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