i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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