My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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