the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
