Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
