you're like a bully in the Christmas story
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
did i just pee glitter
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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