im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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