she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
