So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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