paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
