I just saw a hot homeless man
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Randomize
