Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
