i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
