Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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