Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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