Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
