She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
