Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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