My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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