1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
My Higher Power is John Stamos
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
