Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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