my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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