It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
