Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
