My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
