At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
