just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize