Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
