You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It's never too late to be topless.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
