Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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