I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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