I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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