its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
