I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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