this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
