two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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