i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
