We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
