I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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