can we get nightvision for the apartment?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
