Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
