you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
