then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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