Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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