I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
