Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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