Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The beer is more important than you right now.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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