I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
