Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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