So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
