I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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