I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
