Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
